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A Soggy Shoulder

Hormones suck.

I’m walking around crying all the time.  I cry over how big my belly still is.  (Yes, I know it’s only been one week).  I cry over what a bad mother I’ll be.  I cry over my daughter’s blatant indifference to my charms.  Honestly, she doesn’t give a Memphis morning about who’s changing her diaper or feeding her, and shows absolutely no gratitude towards me.  There’s not even a smile in it for me yet.  I think about a girlfriend of mine who struggles with chronic depression and cry out of empathy for her; I can’t imagine spending much of your life feeling this way.  I think about my girlfriend who’s pregnant with her second child and cry that she’ll have to go through this while rearing a toddler.  And now, I’m crying because I have the dearest girlfriends in the world.

Today our friends Matt and Sandra came with their little son Stephen to visit us and see Madeleine.  The talk was easy, simply hanging out in the living room for an hour while Maddie was miraculously content.  Then "Her Highness" got hungry, signaling an end to the visit.  I went into the back room and started nursing (ow!) and heard Sandra say she just wanted to pop back and tell me goodbye.  She came back and watched me nurse quietly, then said, “You two look great at that.”  I smiled and said thanks but was holding back the stupid tears; I feel so overwhelmed and underqualified for this job.  She chatted easily for a few more minutes about how hard it was for her, those first few weeks with a baby, making me feel like I’m not alone.  Then she smiled, leaned down, kissed me on the cheek and said softly, “You’re doing a great job.”  As soon as she walked out of the room, I broke down again, but this time in gratitude for my great friend.


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