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There's One In Every Family

Only a few more days before Christmas and the big event that accompanies it – the Family Dinner.  I feel duty-bound to remind you all to be on your guard; every family’s got a crazy Uncle Al in their closet who hops the kids up on sugar, teaches them the theory behind building a parachute for jumping off the roof from mommy’s nightgown, then breezes out as you spot your angelic-looking son sidling up to your lingerie drawer.

How do I know this?  I’ve got my own Uncle Al.

Only his name’s Uncle Doug.

This same Uncle Doug who, as a child selecting a bunk bed on the family farm, chose the bunk closest to the door so as to be the first out it in the event of a bear attack (every boy picture_012.jpgfor himself, you know,) met Maddie on our Wisconsin trip when she was three months old.  You can see the skepticism with which she greeted him.  You should also know that my grandfather, a retired Episcopal priest, once distracted my mother by solemnly describing in great detail a fake sermon he had supposedly preached on the shadow his Christmas tree gave off while my Uncle David stealthily ate a hated vegetable off my brother’s plate for him, so this insanity runs in my family.  At any rate, my Uncle Doug, who styles himself the “go-to uncle,” was kind enough to write me an outline of some suggested bloggings he thought he might submit for my website, drawing on his years of wisdom and experience.  Words fail me, so we’ve got our first guest blog as you hear from Uncle Doug in his own words.

Let this stand as a warning to mommies – be on your guard!

Future Blog Offerings From the Go-To Uncle

Some topics that I could cover might include...

1.  The appropriate age to be introducing nephews or nieces to chewing tobacco.  This can be a complex issue, and many uncles do not know it can be a real benefit to start a young devotee on shredded beef jerky.
2.  The art of juice expulsion from above-mentioned activity.  Nothing worse that a dribbler!  No class at all.
                        a.  Pros and cons of various methods - i.e. between the teeth - pursed lips etc.
                        b.  Finding appropriate receptacles - i.e. house plants - out the window - in the loo - never in the stew-pot or under the sofa cushion!
                        c.  Proper selection of objects for target practice:  bugs are great, as long as they are not on the sofa or picture window.  Younger siblings and family pets are acceptable as well.  Pick out an object in the painting that hangs on the living room wall; when you can hit it 4 out of 5 times from 4 feet away - back up another few feet and perfect that range!
                        d.  Stain removal - although this would be for mommies and should be in your words.  This can vary as to type and texture of chew used.

 And that’s just chewing tobacco!  There are a number of other topics I could write on as well:

  • Neat things to teach the niece or nephew to do to surprise mommy (an example would be - give the dog/cat/younger sibling a haircut!)

    Teaching youngsters the dos and don'ts of transplanting houseplants.

    Fun with Science!  Teach them the value of an active imagination and let them know that many valuable scientific discoveries have come from experiments at home.  This is usually followed by a demonstration on the proper use of a fire extinguisher.

    Teaching youngsters the proper way to customize the fit of their bike helmet with large wads of bubble gum!  This works best if the gum is chewed, placed in the helmet and the helmet put on after going to bed - really makes it stick on tight for the following day’s activities!

    Proper etiquette for behavior at the Hootchie-Cootchie bars.  Frequently boys of 5 and 6 do not know how much to tip the dancers - a little training can avoid those embarrassing moments!

    Saving mommy money with do-it-yourself tattoos for the younger siblings.  Pros and cons of different magic markers, color combinations to avoid etc.
Anyway – let me know how I can help!

It’s Jennifer writing again – please don’t encourage him with additional suggestions in the posted comments.  See what I’m up against??


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